Tuesday's Email Bag

As a friend put it, it also proves one other thing about men…. There’s been strong debate over the years as to which sex has the better friends. Women claim to be closer and men claim to stick together. After many polls, surveys, and statistics the speculation is over. One particular case sums it up… Women’s Friends A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about. Men's Friends A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

For Men Who Want Head in The Whip

Show your woman how much you care, improve yourself by acting as this
list suggests. It's unfortunate that we're so insensitive that we
actually need a list like this. Do what it says and you'll be getting
head in the whip in no time!!!!

 1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better." This
will keep her on her toes, and women love that.

 2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of
weakness. If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really, really hard
until she cries. This will impress her by showing her what a strong
man you are.

 3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Women
are like dogs. They love to be roughed up.

 4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If
she is, say "you'd better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until
morning. This will show her you care.

 5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement,
and every girl needs some improvement.

 6. Recognize the small things; they usually mean the most. Then when
she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. Because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

 7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words 'fu*k you,' and grab the
other girl's ass. Women love competition.

 8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning
tire yard. When she starts to get upset tell her you were just
kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Then drive
her home. When she starts crying and asks why you would do something
like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because
I can."

 9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick". Women love those
special nicknames.

 10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD. (especially immediately
after leaving the hair salon)

 11. Warm her up when she's cold... but not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and
say, "If you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're
going to be bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is
with fear.

 12. Take her to a party. When you get there she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when
the party's dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you
at the party.

 13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. I always find stuff like that funny. Why shouldn't
women?

 14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things. Like
basketball, football, holding the remote and beer.

 15. Spit often. I hear women like guys that spit.

 16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self confidence. Then you can never turn her into the object she
deep down desires to be.

 17. Every time you're in her house steal one of the following: shoes,
earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the
pair. This way she'll go crazy over you.
18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order interrupt
and say "No, she's not hungry". Make her watch you eat. Women love a
guy that speaks for her.

 19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then clock her one. Women love a
spontaneous guy.

 20. Give her one of your t-shirts... and make sure it has your smell
on it. But not a sexy cologne smell. A bad smell. You know what I'm
talking about.

 21. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

 22. Remember her birthday, but don't get her anything. Teach her
material objects aren't important. The only thing that's important is
that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest present
she can ever get.

 23. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just
whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then next time you know
she's coming over on a trash day leave the trash can open and have
the present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don't
like this one that much, but I think it's funny.

 24. If she's mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This
will ensure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call
you're going to tell her a special surprise. Now she'll be really
excited. Now don't call. That's also quite funny!

When Girls Don't Put Out

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

        I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..   

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Let's get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis ...

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.......but at least that b*tch knows I'm smarter than her.