A Feeling/ Thought Split
/Last week I mentioned that there were times where I feel extreme loneliness and being unable to effectively communicate what it feels like in words and y’all came to check on me.
I’m good.
It was 65 percent observational and 34.99 percent personal, I’m so good at math. Observed through random conversations about nothing and yet everything. It’s important to define loneliness as a subjective indicator of feeling alone; an inconsistency between an actual level of connection and a desired level of connection where the desired level varies between different people.
“We can be lonely but not alone, and we can be alone but not lonely”
Science.
It wasn’t until today that I Am able to resolve my personal feeling of loneliness. I have others around me; family – immediate and extended and a small group of friends… so how is it possible to have others around and still be overwhelmingly lonely? Rhetorical, don’t answer. I Am introverted and I recognize that I isolate myself by doing a lot of the things I enjoy solo. This does not mean I would not enjoy having others with me, it is usually how I recharge my energy to be around others and participate in the things they enjoy. When I Am alone I do not feel lonely. Although, I do believe that even if we feel we don’t need connection it does not mean that our minds, bodies or souls – from a biological human factor – don’t need it.
It is a primal need.
I started recording everything that was happening during these moments where I felt lonely. What I was left with was more of a physical sensation of discomfort that I could be more loving, more controlled, more mindful, better at taking care of my credit, body, finances. More of or better at something, however not loneliness – maybe feeling alone in those moments and not wanting anyone to know these parts of me that I don’t like and would rather no one saw.
It is a flawed feeling, we are not perfect.
I remain,
B