The Great Pretender

I’ll never be enough, I’m worried, I’m infertile, I’m my own worst enemy, I’m scared everyone will know. These have been my morning mantras since I was diagnosed with an endocrine disorder 21 years ago that doctors had little to no research on. My prognosis, or at least how I heard it, you’ll never be good enough to fit the norms of society and enjoy the depression, anxiety, and infertility that come along with this diagnosis, amongst other health ailments that are other fun side effects.

I’ve hated myself for what I could not change. Society helped me along with questions: why aren’t you married yet? Why haven’t you had kids? They’re such a blessing. Why do you worry so much? Why are you so private?

So I acted. Acted like the questions weren’t gut punches, acted like I was happy, acted like everything was okay - and then I went home for the day where I cried every night. I hated leaving the house to go into the world because I would have to put my mask on that I wasn’t bothered.

I had a coping mechanism. Being a workaholic. If there was one thing I could control, it was my career. I could exceed at everything I did, and I would show everyone that I was good enough by being successful at work. I climbed the corporate ladder, said fuck you to a glass ceiling, and made myself indispensable in every position I held. And, yes, I have achieved workplace success.

Note: I will say the Lox had it in the wrong order: first comes the respect, then comes the money, THEN comes the power - at least in the corporate world.

I do believe there is a correlation between both a birthday and a big promotion pay day that, finally, it clicked that I don’t have to live up to others expectations, or my own distorted ones. Acceptance. It has been about a year since my great awakening, but I have realized that I am who I am. I wasted decades being unhappy with the hand I was dealt. Questioning my own decision that I enjoy a long term relationship where we don’t have plans to get married, that I wanted to be financially independent, and that it is okay to not pursue fertility treatments because of the low chance of conception and the known of the depression spiral it would bring.

I also realized everyone else was pretending at the same time while questioning and judging me. I’ve watched these same people get divorced (no judgment but same people days before announcing separation gave me a hard time for my relationship status), file bankruptcy, have affairs, have problems with their children and their relationships with them. No one had it figured out; I just internalized the pressure that was put on me for not having it all, and knowing that I would never have it all.

So, after all this time, I have realized what self acceptance really means to me, and what I need to do to practice this. Old habits die hard, and I do slip into the negative mindset at times, but I have been better at pulling myself out of it. I’ve thrown away the mask and embraced honesty - with myself and others. I am who I am - take it or leave it.

Younger me wouldn’t have understood and had to go through the struggles to learn this big lesson. But everyday I appreciate Shakespeare’s “all the world’s a stage” quote because to this day, everyone is still acting in it.

Be kind to yourself and be kind to others - you truly never know what they are going through.